It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a E100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the E100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the E100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the E100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the E100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the E100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the E100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the E100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works. ;D
Lol. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.
Mr wolf. seeing that you added a ;D this could be classed as a joke, this our new joke column/topic then ;)
Quote from: 2kwacks on December 07, 2011, 04:55:31 PM
Mr wolf. seeing that you added a ;D this could be classed as a joke, this our new joke column/topic then ;)
No reason why not....come on let's see what you've got. ;D
ok" suppose someone need's to start the ball rolling!!!!
paddy walks into a building site and asked the boss for a job. the boss say's what's your trade, paddy replies I'am a bricky. ok the boss say's you can start in the morning. paddy arrive's for work the next day in a range rover, the 2nd day he arrive's in a porsche, 3rd day he arrive's in a jag, 4th day he arrive's in a bently convertible. by now the boss as seen enough, and summon's paddy to his office and say's are you taking the piss! paddy replies no boss. well four day's now you have arrived to work in very expensive cars unless you can come with a explanation how you come about having those cars, your sacked. well boss, I can see into the future but have got a bad cambling problem and loose it the next day. I can prove this to you, by the weekend you will have a ruptured. no chance of that paddy I don't lift anything, just sit in my office all day doing sod all! ok boss, then bet me your aston martin for my days wage that you don't! ok the boss replied the bet is on, see you at the end of the week. paddy returns to the office at the end of the week and the boss say's well paddy you have lost today's pay, because I don't have a ruptured. paddy say's I will need to check that you don't. so the boss drop's his trousers and paddy get's is trowel out, and gentle place's his trowel underneath his testicals slightly lifting them up. well the boss say's as you can see I don't not have a ruptured, with that the boss look's around and all his other workers are looking through the window's, boss say's what's going on here then! paddy replies you bet me that you would not have a ruptured by the end of the week, but I betted all your worker's £100 each, that I would have your ball's on a trowel by the end of the week!
Hmm, not bad. Any more?
Quote from: Lonewolf on December 08, 2011, 08:21:30 AM
Hmm, not bad. Any more?
well that was the "cleanest" reasonable funny "after a few pint's" joke ;D I could think off. do know some pearler's! but don't want to get banned from the forum. at least, not before the cotswolds meet ;)
A bloke going into the cinema with his wife and spots a roll of £20 notes lying on the floor, so he has a quick look round theres nobody about so he picks up the money and says to his wife "hide it quick", she says" I haven't got a bag" so she puts the money inside her knickers. When they get home she is searching inside her underclothes for the money and cant find it, then tells her husband that it must have been the chap sat next to her in the cinema that had taken the money, the irate husband says "surely you must have felt something" the wife says "well yes but I didn't think he was a thief". ;D
bloke at home laying on his couch. wife walks in, he say's" where the hell have you been then! best hurry and get my tea made "women" or there will be hell to pay, she's replies have been to see the doctor. Ho! yea, he replied. "yes I have" and he said I have got the tit's of a 18 year old and the arse of a 20 year old. "Oh Yeah" he replied, what did he say about your 50 year old c--t then! "well, she replied, he never mentiond you!!!
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
paddy the sailor as just been away at sea for 8 month's solid. and just docked at port. he say's to a local bloke, hey" mate! where can I go for a dam good time and have some female fun. the guy replies try the local broffel, for £50.00 you can get a "sixty-niner" paddy being a bit wet behind the ear's, say's what a "sixty-niner" the guy say's don't worry the girl will explain. paddy walk's into the broffel and say's I would like a "sixty-niner" and slam's a £50 note on the desk, he is told to go into this room and tell the girl you have paid for a "sixty-niner" which he dose! paddy says to the girl I don't know what a "sixty-niner" is. she say's we both get naked and I lay on top of you, then where in "top to tail" postition and the rest will come natural. just as paddy getting the hang of it, the girl let's one rip. bloody hell he's say's that stinks! girl say's sorry" but I did had a "vindaloo" last night. so paddy carries on. few minutes later she let's another ripper off! paddy say's my god" that's stink's to high heaven. then say's have had enough" am off! can't be putting up with another "sixty-seven" of them!!
A pakistani man has been killed in a sky diving accident,
a spokesman for the BNP sky diving school said-" we have no idea why his snorkel n flippers didnt open"! ;)
Ok, maybe this isn't a joke but it's funny and very true. Sent to me by a member on here...they know who they are. (Shame on them)!! ;) ;)
Lady Police Officers From Around The World
China
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/024.jpg) (http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/023.jpg)
Hong Kong
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/020.jpg)
India
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/022.jpg)
Indonesia
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/021.jpg)
Japan
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/019.jpg)
Malaysia
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/026.jpg)
North Korea
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/025.jpg)
Pakistan
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/032.jpg)
Phillippines
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/033.jpg)
Singapore
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/029.jpg)
South Korea
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/030.jpg)
Taiwan
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/034.jpg)
Vietnam
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/027.jpg)
Last but not least......wait for it..... ;)
United States of America, Memphis, TN
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/031.jpg) (http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/028.jpg)
:D, makes you wonder how the hell are they supposed to be actually "fit" for work?????????,- if you was gonna do a robbery and ole twedle dumd n tweldle dee turned up youd be laughing!!! lol
I'd willingly give myself up to the beautiful lady Officer from Singapore. ;)
Miss North Korea gets my vote
Singapore for me ... perhaps I could arrange an exchange week or two .. you know, overarching and working with our partners committing ourselves to future interests and practices. Hummmm .... that sounds quite good to me .... " Er, Sir, Excuse me Commissioner could I have a word ......... " ;D ;D
Yeah, that sounds a good idea, you go over there. She comes over here and I'll look after her! 8)
Quote from: Lonewolf on December 12, 2011, 11:51:39 AM
Yeah, that sounds a good idea, you go over there. She comes over here and I'll look after her! 8)
she'll be well impressed with bradford!
From one shit hole to another ....... ;) ;D ;D
Quote from: Rusty on December 12, 2011, 03:30:04 PM
From one shit hole to another ....... ;) ;D ;D
Your'e joking aren't you? Yep, I'll concede that Bradford is a shity place to live, but Singapore is beautiful. Been there twice before and I'm going again next year. Everybody is so friendly, polite and crime is virtually unheard of. Even walking around late at night as I have done before, (and no I wasn't looking for a woman to take back to the hotel) ;D I just felt perfectly safe. I would
NOT walk around Bradford on my own at night, ever, because I know I would probably get mugged. The old bill out there dont have to justify the necessity test and run things past CPS first ;)
The last time I was out there they arrested someone for sticking some chewing gum on the rear of a seat on the railway system.(Wasn't me). Result was that the authorities placed a ban on the sale of chewing gum, simple and effective.
Quote from: Lonewolf on December 12, 2011, 12:05:42 AM
I'd willingly give myself up to the beautiful lady Officer from Singapore. ;)
Na I''ll take one of those Yankie" Babes". :P ;)
Quote from: 100milesaway on December 12, 2011, 06:02:08 PM
Na I''ll take one of those Yankie" Babes". :P ;)
:o :o As a girl from Earby once said to me many, many years ago...I'm gonna eat you up and swallow you whole. Still dont know what she meant ;) But that's exactly what I fear the US Officer willl do to you, quite possibly literally!!
Quote from: Lonewolf on December 12, 2011, 06:42:44 PM
:o :o As a girl from Earby once said to me many, many years ago...I'm gonna eat you up and swallow you whole. Still dont know what she meant ;) But that's exactly what I fear the US Officer willl do to you, quite possibly literally!!
Burp""""""
Tie a rope around yer waist with the other end tied to a tree and wear SCUBA gear,... and you might live through it. ???
Indonesia & Japan for me. :P
That said they'd probably take one look at me and say "You go USA, you fat bast!" <LOL>
You know me Mr Wolf .... always JOKING ;D ;D ;D.
The Far East is on my list of places to go .... in a few years, and I hear what you say about the cleanliness of it all ... different cultures allow rules and they don't mess about over there !
ok guys while we are on the subject of the far east!!!!!
I see the thai floods are getting worse, a young woman emerging from a street said " tha the water was rising very quicky,,,,,,,,, its already up to my bolux now" ;)
(http://i.imgur.com/KAnIn.jpg)
;D ;D ;D ;D ROFPMSL ;D ;D ;D ;D
Reminds me of this one
(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r183/Hoody_photo/nokia1.jpg)
mick and paddy going on holiday to spain. just as the plane get's airborne, the pilot speaks to the passengers via the tannoy. welcome aboard and here is some flight information. we will be travelling at a speed of 500 mp.h at a altitude of 35,000 feet and will land at your destination in 2 hrs 30 mins. paddy says to mick, well mick in 2hrs 30 mins we will be in spain and we can drink our selves silly! 30 mins later the pilot says, sorry ladies and gentlemen we seem to lost with one of our 4 engines so will be 30 mins late, paddy says to mick, don't worry the bars in spain are open till late. the pilot then says, sorry we have now lost our second engine, paddy says to mick don't worry the bars are open very late. the pilot says, sorry we have now lost our 3rd engine, paddy say to mick don't worry the bars in spain are open very very late. the pilot says I regret to tell you, we have now lost our 4th and final engine. mick says to paddy it doesn't matter if the bars are open all dam night now, it looks like we will be up here all night ;D
Woof!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw
OK now we are all getting ready for the festive season I thought it was time to get you started in the right spirit, so laugh on . . . . My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
* The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
* I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least, I presume she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse.
* My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
* Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
* The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
* A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quuizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
* I went to the cemetery yesterday to put some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , `These guys have lost the plot!'
* My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. `Blow this,' I thought. `I can get one cheaper off the web.'
* Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
* I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
* I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
* I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, `That guy's heading for a breakdown.'
http://youtu.be/5DBoCObdnOY
FAIL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbNl3J8HXw4&feature=player_embedded
Did you see the teeth on that little ba**ard? :o
Just getting ready for Christmas so a bit of housecleaning was in order, but no time so I hired an Eastern European cleaner to hoover the house. It took her 4 hours. Turned out she was a Slovak.
Since that snow came down last week all my wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I shall have to let her in.
My neighbour got nicked this morning and charged with murder for attacking her husband with a pad of sandpaper .... she only meant to rough him up.
After a night of drink drugs and wild sex my mate woke up in bed to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f**king thing!"
Fo
Innuendos you can get away with saying only at Christmas.... (http://www.yamahaxjrownersclub.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=45149&start=0)
1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
My mate has just phoned and offered me 8 legs of venison for £40 is that to deer?
Mr Wolf I dont know if you support your local football team but it's just been on sky that they have signed two chinese players, !!!!!!! we won once and how long since. ::)
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve! ...
randy monkeys!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snL7nit9x_U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-U4B_K9ZBQ
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!!!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for gods sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last bloody people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Subject
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN SODDING PAKISTAN!
And he is bloody right! >:(
And I have a feeling he may still be waiting for his Passport, ;D ;D ;D
most of the jokes have told are irish ;) don't want anyone to think I'm picking on them ;D so here's a scouse joke. just to prove I will take the piss out of anyone ;D see if you can get punch line. should be interesting what you all come up with! will post the punch line a bit later ;)
"WHAT CAN BATMAN DO THAT A SCOUSER CAN'T?
Is it Batman goes out with Robin, scousers just go out Robin?
Is it, Batman can go anywhere without Robin?
Quote from: 100milesaway on January 07, 2012, 08:05:58 PM
Is it Batman goes out with Robin, scousers just go out Robin? Is it, Batman can go anywhere without Robin?
well there close enough! my punch line would have been" batman can go out with out robin :)
Would anyone like to buy a second hand G-string?!!!!!!!!!!!It has been kept in good nick. ::)
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair".
Alsatian,bulldog and a poodle in the vets. bulldog says to the poodle what are you here for, poodle replies I snapped at the owners Mistress. bulldog replies, well thats not to bad you won't get put down for that. the poodle says to the bulldog, what are you in here for. the bulldog replies I keep on trying to bum the mistresses cat. the poodle replies well thats not to bad either, you won't get put down for that. the bulldog and the poodle says to the alsatian, what are you in here for. alsatian replies the masters mistress was getting a bath then she removed her bathrope and was naked, she then bent over to test the water temperature and I could not resist. I jumped on her back and was straight up her! dam said the bulldog and poodle your defo getting put down. ho! no replied the alsatian, I'm here just to get my nails clipped ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSJXTe0dl3Y&feature=g-u&context=G208a6faFUAAAAAAAAAA
(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r183/Hoody_photo/awt2.jpg)
(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r183/Hoody_photo/worral_thompson_110.jpg)
Scouser walks into the dragons den, and shows them a old shotgun and a gamekeepers pouch. peter jones say's "and what's your idea? the scouser replies "it's a simple concept peter, just put the money in the bastard bag ;D
(http://www.kiruji.net/photos/vader.jpg)
(http://www.gtr1400.co.uk/forums/%20http://www.kiruji.net/photos/jedi.gif)(http://www.gtr1400.co.uk/forums/%20http://www.kiruji.net/photos/jedi.gif)
(http://www.gtr1400.co.uk/forums/%20http://www.kiruji.net/photos/jedi.gif)
This site needs a +1 or Like option, there's some class jokes here.
In the meantime, this is my favourite site, it never fails to make me lol -> Damn you Autocorrect (http://damnyouautocorrect.com/)
Quote from: 1ka on January 15, 2012, 07:11:12 PM
This site needs a +1 or Like option, there's some class jokes here.
In the meantime, this is my favourite site, it never fails to make me lol -> Damn you Autocorrect (http://damnyouautocorrect.com/)
This forum used to have the +1 -1 karma facility but unfortunately it was abused by one individual and therefore it gave an inaccurate indication of members contibutions to the site so it was removed.
Quote from: Lonewolf on January 16, 2012, 10:35:33 AM
This forum used to have the +1 -1 karma facility but unfortunately it was abused by one individual and therefore it gave an inaccurate indication of members contibutions to the site so it was removed.
It happened every time someone mentioned Bradford ;D
Lol, thinking about it you are probably right. ;D
Paddy and Mick are in the pub talking about there sex lives.
Paddy boasts " me and the wife are at it like rabbits every night of the week"
You lucky bugger replies Mick, " I'm lucky to get it once a month with my wife and i call it Bruce Lee night"
Paddy laughed and said why the frig do you call it Bruce Lee night ???
Mick replied "thats the night i enter the dragon" |
|
The wife came over to me last night whist I was on the computer and asked what I had been looking at ... "Flights" I said ... "Oohh I love you" she said.. then got very excited and lovey, unzipped my trousers and gave me an amazing blow job ..................... which was strange really as she has never before shown any interest in darts. :rolleyes:
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Clean one..
Duck walks into bar ..says to landlord
"you got any bread?"
"No" says landlord"
"Got any bread" "No" Got any Bread?" "No" Got any bread" "No! no fuking no! " Got any Bread?"
"If you say to me one more time Got any bread I am going to nail your Fekin Beak the the Bar "
Got any Nails ? " No "
"Got any Bread....
http://elrellano.com/videos_online/4624/circo-roncalli...html have a quick look at this !!!!!!whnay do you think??
Very good - One thing. At least the animals still have the fur on their own back!
You can see the fur on the coat 'moving' and when she runs off it's apparent the animals have been in fold up panels of the coat
Very clever though
quick quiz on aircraft answer should be easy if you have some common sense
what is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft over that of fixed winged aircraft.???
see picture
i got it wrong aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Nice :censored:
I phoned my local model shop to see if they had a scale model of the cruise ship"Costa Concordia". The owner said that since the accident they had lots of interest for this model, but that he had just one left. I said great can you put it on one side for me.
My mate has always wanted to be a conductor,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!So we nailed him to a chimney.
A man with no arms and no legs was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said in a sweet lilt, "'aveya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No." She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."
:mfr_lol:
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :clap:
Nick Clegg has said he is very disappointed with Chris Hulnes conduct.
He told a reporter "What a fool. As if anyone would believe a woman could drive that fast"
The Looters Prayer
Our father,
who art in prison,
my mum knows not his name,
thy Riots come,
read it in "The Sun"
in Birmingham, as it is in London,
give us this day our Welfare bread
and forgive us our looting,
as we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into employment
but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the Facebook
the Blackberry & the Twitter,
forever and ever...
Innit
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Geoffs%20Creations/Shotput.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Geoffs%20Creations/Weightlifting.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Geoffs%20Creations/Judo.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Geoffs%20Creations/Javelin.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Geoffs%20Creations/Hurdles.jpg)
Also applicable to Bradford. :mfr_lol:
There's regional qualifications in Hull too!
Whilst up here in the dales we are all too old to lift anything heavier than a pot of tea, jump in and out of bed, :sleep1: and the only throwing we do is a tantrum, and as for games, !!!!!!!!! :nono: in my dreams. Olympics bah humbug, they are just a load of :censored: :shit:.
Quote from: 100milesaway on February 05, 2012, 09:17:30 PM
and the only throwing we do is a tantrum,
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r183/Hoody_photo/camel_268.jpg)
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!
Forget the GOLDEN RIVET
All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor".
All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"
A ship crossing the Atlantic with a cargo of male penises, which were bound for American clinics that specialize in transplants sunk after hitting an iceburg. The salvage company, after deep discussion decided to send down fourskin divers.
What would ya do if a bird shit on yer head?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Would ya take her out again?
just spilled my coffee
Chris I have unashamedly stolen your post for use elsewhere...hope it wasn't subject to copyright :whistling:
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Quote from: olde coney on February 11, 2012, 08:26:01 AM
just spilled my coffee
Chris I have unashamedly stolen your post for use elsewhere...hope it wasn't subject to copyright :whistling:
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
I nicked the bugger anyway!
Got pulled over by The Old Bill today ... He said "Papers" I said "Scissors, I win !" and drove off .....
My new girlfriend says that I have to wait 6 months before she will suck my cock ... I told her that I fully understand and respect her decision and that I shall call her nearer the time ....
Moonpig rejected my Valentines poem today ... I mean what on earth is wrong with " Roes are straight, Violets are twisted, bend over luv your'e going to get fisted " ??
I read the Govn't warning about travelling in these snowy conditions and when you go out you should take a shovel, blanket , sleeping bag, extra clothing, scarf, gloves,24 hr supply of food ,drink, de icer torch batteries and some rock salt, safety triangle, tow rope, spare petrol can and some jump leads .... I looked a right twat getting on the bus this morning ........... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
They are always banging on about pedestrians wearing something white at night so motorists can see you. And my mate always did, but the poor sod got run over by a snow plough last night.
(http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/2316/swburnt.jpg)
This one cracked me up.
(http://bp.uuuploads.com/worst-logo-fails/logo-fail-dance-classes.jpg)
A man and his young son are shopping in Boots and the young lad passes the aisle at the chemist that sells condoms .... he says to his father "What are these dad ?" So his father tells him they are for lovers who want to have safe sex .... "Oh that's good says the boy ... I have heard about these at school in our lessons .... but why are there 3 in a packet ?" His dad says .... "That's for the school boys .. one for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday night" ... "Well, why does this packet have SIX in it dad?" .... "That's for the college boys ... 2 for Friday night 2 for Saturday night and 2 for Sunday night" ... "WOW" says the boy who then picks up a pack of 12 ... "And why are there TWELVE in this pack dad?" ..... He sighs and says "This is for the married men .... 1 for January, 1 for February ........
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
What's Whitney Houston and a spider got in common ??
>>>
>>>
They're both black and cant get out the bath !!
Coman
In a twist of fate - Whitney Housten Beat Bobby Brown to Death
Mind you he attempted to top himself, according to reporters he was heard singing "Two Can Play That Game"
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheep's bladder.
However, in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r183/Hoody_photo/eileen.jpg)
PMSL :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
took me 5min before i understood it :rolleyes:
Quote from: Winston Smith on February 26, 2012, 10:40:10 PM
(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r183/Hoody_photo/eileen.jpg)
No words required!! :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz_3Y-nKmDw
hahahaha! watch till the end :mfr_lol:
Quote from: Lonewolf on February 27, 2012, 12:19:43 AM
No words required!! :mfr_lol:
Alright I'll be the first (I cant be the ONLY one can I...) to admit ...... I dont get it, what is it - whats the joke that seems so funny to you fellars???
Quote from: kwarrgtr on March 08, 2012, 08:40:05 AM
Alright I'll be the first (I cant be the ONLY one can I...) to admit ...... I dont get it, what is it - whats the joke that seems so funny to you fellars???
Really? :mfr_lol:
AUSSIE HUMOUR :mfr_lol:
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The sheila from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, "You lazy sod! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat backside and give her a break!"
I thought, 'Bloody women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to piss off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.
After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us.
I've attached a picture below
(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n326/oldeconey/rideonmower.jpg)
Excellent Halfords video :mfr_lol:
Quote from: kwarrgtr on March 08, 2012, 08:40:05 AM
Alright I'll be the first (I cant be the ONLY one can I...) to admit ...... I dont get it, what is it - whats the joke that seems so funny to you fellars???
You are joking of course?!
Name badge.............
Quote from: Winston Smith on March 08, 2012, 03:31:46 PM
You are joking of course?!
Name badge.............
So what's so funny about her leaning?
Quote from: kwarrgtr on March 08, 2012, 08:40:05 AM
Alright I'll be the first (I cant be the ONLY one can I...) to admit ...... I dont get it, what is it - whats the joke that seems so funny to you fellars???
A part clue.....perhaps someone will post a video for the second part of the clue. Then again maybe not!!! :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW_aWY5PubI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW_aWY5PubI)
The Halfords video, that brat deserved to end up getting dunked, all that unnecessary screaming. :popcorn:
Olde Coney, I like the lawnmower, thats actually a new model which has just been released in Oz.
(http://i.imgur.com/xUk7O.jpg)
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
It actually does as well.
If you do it with both you get stereo sound :mfr_lol:
I was sat in a bar the other night when I saw two 'large' ladies with accents that weren't local.
Being a polite kind of guy I spoke to them enquiring where they were from
"Are you two girls from Scotland?" I enquired.
"No you dick head - Wales" was the response.
"My apologies" I retorted, "are you two whales from Scotland?"
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
:mfr_lol: very good..! and by the way I've already said my two Hail Marys :grin:
Clean one..
A bloke walks into a pet shop and says "i'd like to buy a wasp please"
the shop keeper said, "well we are a petshop sir, but we don't sell wasps"
Oh said the customer, "but you've got one in the window".
Eb
Quote from: Essex Boy on April 02, 2012, 08:45:35 PM
Clean one..
A bloke walks into a pet shop and says "i'd like to buy a wasp please"
the shop keeper said, "well we are a petshop sir, but we don't sell wasps"
Oh said the customer, "but you've got one in the window".
Eb
:mfr_lol:
I have just had some of that 007 Viagra delivered ... apparently it makes you Roger More ....
Terrible news I am afraid to say ... a mate of mine was killed the other day at work .. he went to assist at a fire where the building had collapsed ... a betting shop ... he was pinned against a wall by boxes of betting slips ... the Fire Brigade tried to save his life but the odds were stacked against him ........ :smiley:
A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his member out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"
:mfr_lol: Ahh that brings back memories of the old days, sausage or Summons?? I hear they still do this in the Met. :whistling:
More jokes please .....!
dont know about jokes but just got back from sainsburys after being scammed by some hungarians. These two hungarian girls approached me asking for a lift to the train station with their shopping, as they were a bit pretty i agreed and one of them got in the back and one sat in the front with me. As we were driving along the girl in the front started to distract me , by undoing my flies and giving me oral sex, as this was happening the girl in the back stole my wallet out of my jacket which id left on the back seat, luckily there was only £10 in it
Im sorry to say that is the third time this week they have scammed me and maybe if i can find some more wallets it may happen again in the future.
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
I am still pissing myself laughing at tbhis!
Lifted from another forum!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt?tag=5336121781-21#R231U4ZG0YDNHD?tag=motorcy-21
Cracking review :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I just love the last line in brackets - Still given a 5!
Brilliant ! :mfr_lol:
very very good.... :mfr_lol:
A woman walks up to a bloke at the swimming pool who is wearing blue trunks and she says ... " Do you know your eyes match your trunks ? " He replies " Why are my eyes bulging ? "
I told my wife that older men like me are like fine wines ... they get better with age ..... the next day she locked me in the cellar.
"Waiter ! This coffee tastes like mud " .... " Yes Sir it's fresh ground ".............
Why did the Mushroom go to the party ?
Cos he was a Fungi :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: ( My daughter just told me that one .. brilliant ! )
The wife's sister knoked me out yesterday.
I was so angry.
I mean, what sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers?
[Puns for those with higher IQ's
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done./b]
two shopfitters are doing a refurb on a shop in a busy street ,every 5 mins people keep stopping them working as they are walking bye asking oh what are they going to sell here then.one of the fitters gets anoyed and says to a little old lady who asks next, arseholes love they are going to sell arseholes. the old lady replies looks like they will do a roaring trade then,theres only two left and she then walks on
What's the difference between a real life lesbian and the ones in porno movies?
About 12 stone
I like the "Does the name Pavlov ring a bell" :clap:
''Only a man would attempt this!!''
A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this....
Last weekend, I saw something at Larrys Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest..The occasion was our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for something a little special for my wife Julie. What I did come across was a 100,000 - volt, pocket sized Tazer....
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with little or no long term adverse affects on the assailant..allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..ideal, I thought..)
Long story short...I bought the device and brought it home..I loaded the two AAA batteries into to it and pushed the button...Nothing...I was devastated...I did learn, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface, I would get a blue arc of electricity, between the two prongs..cool!!! ( I have yet to explain to Julie, what that brown burn mark is, on the front of the microwave!)
Okay...so I was home alone...with the new toy, dying to see if it worked....
There I was..sat on my lazy-boy chair..with our cat Gracie looking on intently..(trusting little soul)..while I was reading the instructions and thinking that I really must try this thing out!!!..well on a flesh and blood target at least........!
I must admit..I did think of zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second, but dismissed it as cruel..Am I wrong?..
So....there I am..sat in a pair of short and a T-shirt..glasses on the tip of my nose, instructions in one hand, Tazer in the other..
The Instructions said:..
1. A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant..
2. A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control.
3. A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water, unable to carry out any function on his own...
4. Any burst longer than three seconds, could be very dangerous and is not advised.
So..there I was..looking at the Tazer and wondering what to do....
I'm sitting there alone...with Gracie looking up at me with her head cocked to one side, as if to say..''Don't do it stupid!!''...Hmmh..I thought otherwise..I would just give myself a one second burst!! So I touched the prongs to my naked thigh and pressed the button.............................................................
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION..WTF!!!!!
I'm pretty sure, Hulk Hogan ran into the room, picked me up (in the recliner!) then body slammed me to the floor over and over again....I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking with sweat, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position..
NOTE
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!!!..You will not be able to let go until either convulsions force the Tazer out of your grip, OR the batteries run out..(after around 18 seconds of use..so I am led to believe!!)...
So...A few minutes later, I came around..(well sort of)..and surveyed the landscape...
My bent reading glasses were fused to my head.....
The recliner was upside-down and about eight feet from where it had been!!
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching!!
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs.
I had no control over my drooling.
Apparently, I had shat myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair....
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it...
bondu,,,,,,,!!! :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:,,me an the wife are pissing ourselves ya,,,,best laugh ive had all day mate,,brill :yes:
Oldie but goldie - I always LOL every time I read that one!!
It's a belly buster!
SLEEPING
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Malvin because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Malvin and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Malvin snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
Next night was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair standing up, eyes bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Malvin shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Malvin into bed patted him on the backside and kissed him good night. Malvin sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
:mfr_lol: aint the the truth... Age and treachery tops youth and enthusiasm everytime... :gunsmilie:
ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?.
Make sure that you get the Correct Insurance for the sex that you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex on the telephone – Direct Line
Sex with your partner – Standard Life
Sex with someone different – Go Compare
Sex with a Fat bird – More than
Sex on the back seat of a car – Sheila,s Wheels
Sex with a Posh bird – Privileged
Sex with an OAP – Saga(Sex Annually,Generally in August)
Sex with a Transvestite – Confused.com!
My wife suggested that I get one of those penis enlargers .... so I did .... she is 21 and her name is Lucy.
My window cleaner was shouting and cursing this morning ... I thought " F**K me, he's lost his rag ".
My wife said to me this morning " You are the laziest bastard I have ever known, now pack your bags and fuck off " I said " You pack 'em ".
My wife calls my penis "The Firework" .. not because it lights up her evening she just likes to keep it at arms length since it went off in her face.
I met a sexy woman at the lake the other day and there was an immediate spark between us .... as we lay there making love I thought " God these Tazers are well worth the money".
A married couple were in bed asleep when the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone listened for a moment, then said: 'How the hell should I know, I'm not the weatherman', and hung up.
'Who was that?' the wife asked.
The husband said: 'I don't know, some bloke wanting to know if the coast was clear.'
ADVENTURE BIKES ...PAH..........I'D RATHER HAVE A C90 :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDOOT-T2gKo&feature=youtu.be
hahahahahahahaha :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: that's so very funny.. :banana: :banana:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaB40TLQE8M
A bit older, but just as funny :laugh:
Quote from: Mogster on May 20, 2012, 09:24:11 AM
hahahahahahahaha :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: that's so very funny.. :banana: :banana:
I know its been done before in fact lots of times....but this version was just sooooooo topical/appropriate
Oh yeah.... GS bashing...... :mfr_lol: can we have a topic just for this :punk: lmao
When I was young the other kids used to cover me in chocolate and spray cream at me and stick cherries on my head .... life was tough in the gateau.
If you get an E mail telling you that you can catch swine flu due to eating tins of ham .... delete it. It's spam.
Booked a table for me and the Mrs next week on her birthday .... bound to end in tears though ... she's shit at snooker.
Dear John
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
I really don`t think Boots quite thought this through. :shocked: :shocked: :laugh:
http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x225/Kawasmoggie/Boots.jpg
Quote from: Kawasmoggie on June 13, 2012, 05:03:26 PM
I really don`t think Boots quite thought this through. :shocked: :shocked: :laugh:
http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x225/Kawasmoggie/Boots.jpg (http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x225/Kawasmoggie/Boots.jpg)
I've just clicked on your link and I briefly saw the photo and then got this message.
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/Untitled.jpg)
Oh dear, sorry about that. :embarrassed:
Its just a link to my photobucket account. Never had a problem before.
I didn`t know photobucket was classed as a malicious web site.
I dont think there's a problem with Photobucket, perhaps its just your Photobucket....maybe you have some dodgy pics in there :whistling:
Err......No :grin:
I`ve clicked that link on Three different machines and not had that message.
I reckon its a " Norton thing"
Maybe its my PC! :whistling:
I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run.
It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a twat"
& then off we go....
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.
Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
.
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I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
...
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver.
The "BNP school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers didn't open.
very good !!! :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :clap:
I said to my wife "Just to spice things up tonight we'll do a bit of role play" .... she was well up for it.
I said " You dress up as Whitney Houston and I'll run the bath" ........
I was on a train this morning in the loo having a shit when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please ?"
"Not right now" I replied "I,m having a shit".
"I don't believe you" said the voice. "Slide it under the door".
"No probs" I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn".
Congratulations!
You have won a choice of £250.00 shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis tribute act
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show........................
My wife has just had a new tatoo of a sea shell on her thigh. The detail is amazing, Ive never seen anything like it, its so realistic, if you put your ear to it I swear you can smell the sea. :banana:
said to the mrs this morning,,,"pass me the newspaper"
"dont be so daft " she said,,,"use my ipad!!"
tell you wha,,,,tha fooking fly never knew wha hit him!!!! :banana:
Went into my local chemist last weekend and asked if they had any rat poison. Man behind the counter said, "no, sorry have you tried Boots?"
I said no I want to poison them, not kick them to death!!!!!!!
Ah, the old ones are the best.
Dawn of the Ted video, just plain briliant :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=61RJGQcG_sM
I was in Tesco with my wife the other day when suddenly, out of the blue, she said 'Andy, you're a lazy bas**d!'.... Well, I nearly fell out the trolley!
"Dawn of The Ted" .... very good indeed !!! :laugh: :laugh:
Someone has FAR too much time on their hands to make Dawn of the Ted. Very good!!
:mfr_lol:
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Adopt a Terrorist.. :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
A Canadian female liberalist wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R.
Pearkes Bldg.,
15 NT101 Colonel By DriveOttawa ,
ON K1A 0K2 Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint! It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives as your house guest might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property there by having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka overtime. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and religious beliefs" as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching. Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor.
Minister of National Defense.
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Great stuff .. why don't we have people in charge like that over here ?? :mfr_lol:
Letter from Camp....
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
J
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: I like the concrete cast and pedal-file :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Same Sex Marriage.........
Michael and Gary got married in California... They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up
yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....I gave him my airplane glue.' :whistling:
OK I'm on a roll now.... All you need to remove a VW Golf engine...beer... a chain .....and a sturdy tree...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdHp1lFrnEk&feature=player_embedded
:stupid:
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Cool Pussy :mfr_lol:
Now thats what you call a lovely colour for a bike :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
A :cool: cat... on a mini Bonnie replica, nice one :clap:
Husband and wife lying in bed staring at each other ..... Husband says " You remind me of the National Lottery " .... " Oh Darling that's nice ... do you think I am worth a million dollars ? " ... " No " he replies " I just like it when you roll over " !!
Quote from: Rusty on July 25, 2012, 03:59:55 PM
Husband and wife lying in bed staring at each other ..... Husband says " You remind me of the National Lottery " .... " Oh Darling that's nice ... do you think I am worth a million dollars ? " ... " No " he replies " I just like it when you roll over " !!
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympic Stadium but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish , Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland", he says, "Fencing"
.
Oooi !!
.
Love this :mfr_lol:
Brilliant! :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
That's brill Debs :clap: :clap:
BTW I just stole it :oops: :mfr_lol:
Girl approaches bloke at the bar ... "Hello Handsome .. what's your name ?" ... "Sledge" he replies ... "Ooohh" she giggles ... " Is that because you are strong and sleek looking ?" ... "No" he says " It's because I always get pulled by dogs" .....
I was pretty excited when my girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal ... Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best mate.
Essex girl in bed with his girlfriend " How dare you call me a slapper ! " she says ... " Get out and take all your mates with you ".
Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.
My wife and I were laying in bed this morning when she turned to me and said " I think the romance in this marriage is finished ". I wish she wouldn't talk to me whilst I'm having a wank.
I bought a new perfume for my wife last week called Chloroform... but she doesn't like it ... says it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore bum.
Annoyed the wife last night.
All I was doing was pulling my boxers off and she kicked off shouting at me:
"I wish you wouldn't do that to the dogs"
It took a few moments Chris, but eventually the penny dropped :oops: :mfr_lol:
:mfr_lol: nice one Debs. Consider that stolen by me too :)
Wives don't forget old boyfriends!
Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor living it large - breakdancing,
moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still fecking celebrating!"
An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever)
. . .."When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."
Died of natural causes :mfr_lol: I like that.
Just when you thought you'de seen every biking stunt
http://www.dpccars.com/motorcycle-12/08-15-12page-Most-fun-on-a-motorcycle-ever.htm
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Quote from: olde coney on August 17, 2012, 09:23:01 PM
Just when you thought you'de seen every biking stunt
http://www.dpccars.com/motorcycle-12/08-15-12page-Most-fun-on-a-motorcycle-ever.htm
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
OMG :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
What was he doing & why was that woman facing the wrong way. :rolleyes:
Quote from: Lonewolf on August 18, 2012, 01:25:32 AM
What was he doing & why was that woman facing the wrong way. :rolleyes:
maybe it was a first service Steve :mfr_lol:
A couple of great clips... Enjoy :mfr_lol:
http://youtu.be/1T3yiM2y0Xk
http://youtu.be/Q0KeB23qFkQ
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: love the second clip :mfr_lol:
Lol, both very good clips. :mfr_lol:
They are very good ... the second one in particular .... old boy in the car, young lad out trying to do something and beat the boredom .... bit like being in the counties I imagine !!!!! :whistling:
Had a go at snail racing today. Thought that if I took the shell off mine it would go faster....it didn't, it just became sluggish.
A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."
I said, "Would you care for dessert?"
Sorry Mate I Didnt See You..
:mfr_lol:!!
Prob the best use of the term " :single fuck:" in a song ............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tu3ltXm73sc&feature=player_embedded
The Jimmy Saville scandal should come as no surprise to the BBC.
In the 70's it rife at the BBC.
Rod Hull was often seen fisting a bird
Quote from: Winston Smith on October 03, 2012, 09:12:48 PM
The Jimmy Saville scandal should come as no surprise to the BBC.
In the 70's it rife at the BBC.
Rod Hull was often seen fisting a bird
:mfr_lol: Remember this ?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSg0QvBnER8
Adidas are doing a Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuit.
It's an adult size top, but you have to squeeze into a childs bottom
- ewwwwww
.
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 100 semi automatic rifles with 10,000 rounds of ammunition, 5 tonnes of nearly pure heroin, £1,000,000 in forged notes and 5 Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi detached house behind the public library in Toxteth ...
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:
"We are all shocked; we never knew we had a library".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0
Quote from: Kwikasfuki on October 12, 2012, 12:06:48 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0
bloody hell Asif that's a load of :shit: if ever
:mfr_lol:
:agree:
ya can go of people ya know :2guns:
Asif that video is bloody brilliant. I loved the yellow suit, might try and pick one up on my travels :whistling:
Certainly made me chuckle.
Eh !!! Thats about as funny as a kick in the pods. Utter :shit:
Next door neighbour had a pair of knickers stolen off the washing line today.... she said she wasn't bothered about the knickers, just wanted the 12 pegs back .......
Quote from: Bryn on October 12, 2012, 09:11:46 PM
Next door neighbour had a pair of knickers stolen off the washing line today.... she said she wasn't bother about the knickers, just wanted the 12 pegs back .......
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again, saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? Then, I could live until I was around eighty... would that be okay?
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So... that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey-like tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and 'bark' at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be out on the front porch.
:clap:
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said " I think the romance in this relationship is dead"
I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a W@nk :grin:
Dont shoot me , i borrowed this from another forum :whistling:
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Broken pencils are pointless.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
ive just lost the money for my wifes epilepsy prescription in the bookies,,,,
she`ll have a fooking fit when she finds out :whistling:
http://dotsub.com/media/b5ee5ada-5b37-4b0b-9916-e0896337ec4b/e/m
Quote from: Bondu on October 21, 2012, 08:52:09 AM
http://dotsub.com/media/b5ee5ada-5b37-4b0b-9916-e0896337ec4b/e/m
er, this is a joke thread , not a political platform, i fail to see the humour in that
I only watched the first 15 seconds or so :ohplease:
There may have been a punchline at the end :rolleyes:
Woman goes to Dr's and says "Im getting too much discharge". Dr says, "Pop your knickers off and get on the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers in to her vagina and asks, "How does that feel ? She replies "Fucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear".Sanjay, the Indian wife beater, headbutts his wife at 7.30 every night......on the dot!! Found me first grey pube today.... Normally things like that doesn't bother me..... But it was in a Greggs pastie !
Probably been posted before, but I just remembered this one...
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
A bit of humour for all the Plod on here, I'm sure we can relate to some of these calls. :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHGkJ63hFI8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHGkJ63hFI8)
Quote from: Lonewolf on December 12, 2012, 12:35:10 AM
A bit of humour for all the Plod on here, I'm sure we can relate to some of these calls. :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHGkJ63hFI8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHGkJ63hFI8)
3:07 I haven't got any sense... No shit sherlock!!! :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Its amazing just how :censored: thick some people are and that they are prepared to waste valuable emergency time with trivial matters :shocked:
Man: "Doctor, will I live 150 years ?"
Doctor: "Do you smoke ?"
Man: "No."
Doctor: "Do you drink ?"
Man: "No."
Doctor: "Are you chasing women ?"
Man: "No."
Doctor" Are you using drugs ?"
Man "No."
Doctor: " Are you riding motorbike ?"
Man: "No."
Doctor: "So, why the f#*&% would you like to live 150 years" :banana:
doctor said i should avoid saturated fat so ive stopped making love to the wife in the shower.
(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r183/Hoody_photo/gashconverters_416.jpg)
:mfr_lol:
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Good one :mfr_lol:
Very funny. :mfr_lol:
FOR SALE...
Nuclear proof shelter, 6000 tins of baked beans, 1000 ltrs bottled water, electric generator, 5000 boxes of Kleenex.
Never used...No longer needed.
Scottish wedding:
" http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0 "
Quote from: Alfor on December 23, 2012, 01:45:23 PM
Scottish wedding:
" http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0 "
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
:mfr_lol:
Why do they feel the need to put subtitles with videos where the subjects are Scottish, who is there out there who doesnt understand a bit of a Scottish twang? :wacko:
Have a listen to this...... :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCR1l9gYTLM&playnext=1&list=PLA3D7237FD3230A6D&feature=results_main (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCR1l9gYTLM&playnext=1&list=PLA3D7237FD3230A6D&feature=results_main)
Whats complicated about the Scottish accent....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAz_UvnUeuU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAz_UvnUeuU)
:mfr_lol: brill
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol
Brilliant!
If you remember Hale & Pace then you will love this :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
http://youtu.be/QSWBX72rDe4
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
This is a good clip from the pair. I love the toilet scene. :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR9Zdgv2Kag (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR9Zdgv2Kag)
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
I cant understand why everyone finds those 'Northern' clips so amusing :no:
They all seem quite normal to me :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
This is so cool.. :mfr_lol:
Bad Lip Reading
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlwilbVYvUg&feature=share&list=UU67f2Qf7FYhtoUIF4Sf29cA
Fantastic ...LMAO.. :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
joke..? not for the "victimes'... or
'how not to load your bike' :mfr_lol: :
http://www.visordown.com/snippets/loading-bikes/22180.html
Took my car for a service at Kevin Websters garage today but he said he wouldn't touch anything older than 10 years old.
Poor old Oscar Pistorious .... Found standing over the body of his girlfriend .... Now charged with murder .... Hasn't got a leg to stand on.
Oh and I heard he was on suicide watch but they binned it after realising he couldn't kick the stool away.
Whats the difference between a girls ginger pussy and a cricket ball?
If you try hard, really really hard you can eat a cricket ball.
Alan
nobody will post this in the US forum...? :mfr_lol:
indeed.. a few off them may handcuff me :grin: :grin:
Had the best Valentines ever.
Sex with the most gorgeous fit blonde ever.
Being a mortuary technician in Pretoria has it's perks....
Quote from: Winston Smith on February 17, 2013, 12:04:01 AM
Had the best Valentines ever.
Sex with the most gorgeous fit blonde ever.
Being a mortuary technician in Pretoria has it's perks....
ooi !!!
.
The Vatican says that the Pope has resigned because he no longer has the strength to carry out his duties.
Fair enough.
At his age it can't be easy holding down a struggling 10 year-old!
Two young men with equal qualifications apply for the same job. In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test.
Both men score nine out of 10 on the test; however, the manager decides to go with the first applicant. "Why would you do that?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions correct." "Your fellow applicant wrote 'I don't know' for question five. You put down, 'Neither do I.'" :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Quote from: Highett on February 25, 2013, 09:36:29 AM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
:mfr_lol:
Is this what they call maximising your potential? :mfr_lol:
"Would Sir like a small, medium or large skip"? "A small skip should be fine mate, I haven't got much that I need to dump".
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-5.jpg)
Tight as :censored: us folk in Bradford.
Quote from: Lonewolf on March 02, 2013, 06:33:10 PM
Is this what they call maximising your potential? :mfr_lol:
"Would Sir like a small, medium or large skip"? "A small skip should be fine mate, I haven't got much that I need to dump".
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-5.jpg)
Tight as :censored: us folk in Bradford.
steve not much room to park your bike where you live is dee :grin: and get them hedges trimmed :yes: and what the hell is that directly under your small bedroom window :undecided: or is it a economy solar panel :mfr_lol:
"Level Skips only" springs to mind ! :laugh:
BMW introduces the new, more economical model. :mfr_lol:
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-7.jpg)
The local drug lords have just finished adding the final touches to their mansion making it impenetrable to all mortals! :mfr_lol:
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-6.jpg)
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: That is proper funny !
excellent [pics :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Needs more garlic.....
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image-14.jpg)
I think we're in trouble!
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image-12.jpg)
Get us out of here.....and make it snappy!
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image-10.jpg)
Australian version of a Big Tasty.
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image-7.jpg)
Are you sure there aren't crocs in here?
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image-5.jpg)
Beat him, that'll show him whose boss!
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image-4.jpg)
It's your :censored: car, you fetch it!
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image.jpg)
Doris insisted Bruce took her down the boozer before they watched the movie.
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image-1.jpg)
Slippery bugger, I never expected that!
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Bizarre%20Australian%20Photos/image-2.jpg)
Amazing what Google Streetview catches!!
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BE1rRTTCcAQWiXG.jpg:large)
Is that a photoshop effort or the real deal? :mfr_lol:
Looks like the real deal Steve. If you Google Map that post code you can see the wall but it is blacked out whichever way you approach it from for a hundred yards or so!
Also looks like the 'scene' is blurred out - you can get to about 107 Temperance Street and then it's blocked until you get past the junction :laugh:
I came across it on F'book and the post there stated that it had been removed by Google but not before it was widely circualated
Courtesy of 100milesaway.....entitled One Second Before
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-8.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-9.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-10.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-11.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-12.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-13.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-14.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-15.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-16.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-17.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-18.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-19.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-20.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-21.jpg)
(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s139/Jaffa_Cake101/Fingers/image-22.jpg)
:clap: :clap: The last picture I have to say has me laughing more than the rest !!... lots !
An Argentinian Pope, the Hand of God me thinks....
Pope Francis was the 74th choice of the Vatican Council - the first 73 failed the CRB checks
(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r183/Hoody_photo/bowenpope_zps247e8426.png)
White smoke from the Vatican. Means only 1 thing. They've finally finished burning all the laptops & hard drives
Looks like he'll have the strength to carry out his duties.
Well he looks strong enough to hold down a struggling 10 year old choirboy..
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so fuck off and wait for a camel!"
Seen on F'book:
In hindsight I should have posted my f/b status as " Iv'e blown the head gasket on my 1979 XR3i" rather than " Iv'e just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptops been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
Quote from: patrick on March 15, 2013, 08:13:50 PM
Seen on F'book:
In hindsight I should have posted my f/b status as " Iv'e blown the head gasket on my 1979 XR3i" rather than " Iv'e just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptops been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
OMG :oops: :mfr_lol:
Thought the Indian lady sitting in front of me on the train this morning had died. No signs of life at all. Then I noticed the red spot on her forehead and realised she was on 'Standby'.
Bought the wife a fridge for her birthday yesterday. She was really pleased I think. She opened the door and her face lit lit up. :popcorn:
Patrick, that's so wrong :shocked:
Quote from: patrick on March 15, 2013, 08:13:50 PM
Seen on F'book:
In hindsight I should have posted my f/b status as " Iv'e blown the head gasket on my 1979 XR3i" rather than " Iv'e just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptops been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
But it's so good I'm going to steal it!
Hurricane
Quote from: hurricane on March 16, 2013, 01:10:43 PM
Patrick, that's so wrong :shocked:
But it's so good I'm going to steal it!
Hurricane
Well i stole it so feel free!!
You need to change it to 1999 Ford Excort Ghia X.
In 1979 they were still making the Mk2 Escort.
XR3i didn't happen until 1983.
Wrong on SOOOOOo many levels! :mfr_lol:
Besides 1979 would mean the Escort is 34 years old. :popcorn:
About half the age of Geoff then.
Quote from: Boomer on March 18, 2013, 04:28:38 PM
You need to change it to 1999 Ford Excort Ghia X.
In 1979 they were still making the Mk2 Escort.
XR3i didn't happen until 1983.
Wrong on SOOOOOo many levels! :mfr_lol:
Besides 1979 would mean the Escort is 34 years old. :popcorn:
Send in the razorblades!! :clap:
Quote from: Rusty on March 19, 2013, 12:30:13 AM
About half the age of Geoff then.
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
There are just some day when I act exactly like this :oops:
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae220/taz1974/576099_10151499020978006_620662366_n_zps56f576cf.jpg)
Nice one :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
Garfileld ... that is funny. :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
again.nicked from facebook
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/579082_10200251080694715_1752539557_n.jpg)
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is, little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you lo...ok so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men's pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom. The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: "Is all that true, Tommy?"
"No, not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say"
Richard << running for cover :tank:
In 1998, Aston Patterson was on holiday in Thailand after graduating from University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one front leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Aston... approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Aston worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Aston, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Aston stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Aston never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twelve years later, Aston was walking through the Dudley Zoo in the UK with a group of friends. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Aston and his friends were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Aston, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at him.
Remembering the encounter in 1998, Aston could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Aston summoned up his courage, and egged on by his mates who had heard the story all those years ago he climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Aston's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
Quote from: Richard on March 23, 2013, 01:59:25 PM
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is, little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you lo...ok so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men's pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom. The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: "Is all that true, Tommy?"
"No, not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say"
Richard << running for cover :tank:
After last weekends 'display'I can understand the young lads embarrasment :mfr_lol:
You could be on thin ice with that one with some members on here though Richard :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
BTW I think Gareth Thomas misunderstood the request "are you coming out to play today Gareth" :wink:
Quote from: Richard on March 23, 2013, 01:59:25 PM
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is, little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you lo...ok so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men's pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom. The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: "Is all that true, Tommy?"
"No, not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say"
Richard << running for cover :tank:
Was just looking at the results for the Rugby World Cup since its inauguration in '87, you know, winners, losing finalists, 3rd/4th places...... Nuff said....
Mind you, i'll grant you, they were f***ing awful last weekend, Wales def deserved that one
I asked my scouse mate why he only spent £3.00 on his mum for her birthday.
"That's all she had in her purse" he replied
Does anybody else find this guy funny, I reckon he's bloody hilarious :clap:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sGh6ATXqbk
Never heard of the guy, just watched the clip, he's pretty funny but I do like Michael McIntyre, now he is funny.
(http://www.stangbangers.com/Problem_Solving_Flowchart.jpg)
:whistling:
Only in Yorkshire :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEHHkx929T8
Cool,... a convertible caravan! :mfr_lol:
I forwarded that to everyone on our team today, we all had a good laugh.
Margaret Thatcher arrived at the Purely Gates to be greeted by St Peter.
" I am afraid we are not quite ready for you yet " he said ..." We shall have to send you back for a couple of days "
In a puff of smoke Margaret was returned to Westminster and 10 minutes later Abu Quatada was on a plane back to Jordan.
:stupid:
Brilliant!!
Quote from: Lonewolf on April 03, 2013, 12:04:17 AM
Never heard of the guy, just watched the clip, he's pretty funny but I do like Michael McIntyre, now he is funny.
Guy's been around for ages. Is always one of the best acts down here at comedy festivals.
- Do you speak english?
- Yes.
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style.
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run to fast!!!
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae220/taz1974/264562_10151593337678330_2118837359_n_zps51bdc2d2.jpg) (http://s973.photobucket.com/user/taz1974/media/264562_10151593337678330_2118837359_n_zps51bdc2d2.jpg.html)
A hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
Ah've gotta say I ain't bleedin appy with the last posting. Wot is it, some sorta fackin joke, or sumpink ? :oops:
Essex Boy.
Big Al, absolutely priceless :mfr_lol:
Quote from: Lonewolf on May 11, 2013, 06:00:02 PM
Big Al, absolutely priceless :mfr_lol:
I am to please.
Alan
I live about 1 mile from Basildon and i would like to complain about this post.
The £30 damage estimate is way over the top. £5 would cover it. :popcorn:
Quote from: Boomer on May 13, 2013, 05:29:30 PM
I live about 1 mile from Basildon and i would like to complain about this post.
The £30 damage estimate is way over the top. £5 would cover it. :popcorn:
Boomer, your complaint has been carefully considered and discussed and it has been upheld, Big Al you ought to be ashamed of yourself for exaggerating a story like that. :mfr_lol:
My question is whether or not the Duke pub in Wickford was affected? The locals were seen staggering around aimlessly clearly suffering the effects of "aftershock"!
Incidentally - that is one dodgy pub if your ever passing through - more sub-culture in there than in Baldricks ears! ( I'm joking of course - or am I :innocent:)
I drive past The Duke most days but have never been in there.
Looks dodgy enough and not far from the local Police station so probably full of Coppers too.
Quote from: Boomer on May 15, 2013, 12:19:34 PM
I drive past The Duke most days but have never been in there.
Looks dodgy enough and not far from the local Police station so probably full of Coppers too.
I used to work Basildon and Pitsea, does anyone know if Pitsea was affected?? If there was £5 of damage caused across Basildon, flattening Pitsea could take the cost of the damage to very nearly 6....
Doubt you'll find many coppers in The Duke, other than for the fights of course
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
:mfr_lol: Debs, very good.
Quote from: Silverback on May 17, 2013, 05:29:48 PM
I used to work Basildon and Pitsea, does anyone know if Pitsea was affected?? If there was £5 of damage caused across Basildon, flattening Pitsea could take the cost of the damage to very nearly 6....
Pitsea,.... the most appropriately named place in the UK.
It's a pit,.... by the sea (well, by the muddier parts of the Thames Estuary).
Famous for its landfill site and A13 traffic jams.
I used to work in the office above the market back in the early noughties. <shudder>
Nationalities: I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner; took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
An Irishman has been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. In his defence he said "To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit". 2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine . Both are in hospital one's in a korma.The other's got a dodgy tikka!
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle-aged couple from Weymouth .
Headlines:
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots....Your one year Manufacturer's Warranty runs out soon.
Parenting:
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
On Women: A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly; pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Wayne Rooney has named his new son Klay, well he wanted PlayDough but could not spell it.
Alan
THE FINANCIAL CRISIS EXPLAINED :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151554913397745&set=vb.740737744&type=2&theater
Just discovered this part of the site................. QUALITY :mfr_lol:
Charlie :ninja:
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise. :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
:mfr_lol:.................nice one :clap:
Keep them coming my friend
Very good indeed. :mfr_lol:
Excellent :mfr_lol:
One for you boys.. :mfr_lol:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
:mfr_lol: now they are :censored: funny.
Quote from: Lonewolf on July 28, 2013, 12:31:26 PM
:mfr_lol: now they are :censored: funny.
:agree: :mfr_lol:
My fights always start with one of those. Classic. :clap:
Stolen from another forum....class :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aC-CJO9N6XA&sns=fb
LOL! Wasn't expecting that! Nice 1
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=41302
Quote from: Winston Smith on August 01, 2013, 09:19:22 PM
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=41302
:agree: LMAO
Shopping in Lidl :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
http://youtu.be/RKsGKERivTQ
Quote from: Debs on September 13, 2013, 12:08:55 AM
Shopping in Lidl :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
http://youtu.be/RKsGKERivTQ
Brilliant Deb's - with hand over the face that could be Mrs Pete - look out INCOMING....... SLAP!!
The Farmers Daughter.
http://youtu.be/lqxa03Abo3U
:mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: very good Debs, that made oi larff
Geordie lass :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151689683595674&set=vb.660375673&type=2&theater
May of been posted before..................
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl
about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley,
walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to
talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend"
opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...
why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ...
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies,
the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!
That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
:mfr_lol: I think that might have been on here before but it's still very funny. :wink:
:mfr_lol: :punk:
Postman Pat... :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
http://youtu.be/ADKght3_a18
PMSL!!!!
More Postman Pat :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
http://youtu.be/I8F41LVLIW8
love it Debs....................how about a bit of john Wayne :mfr_lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0j8EzXYWzE
See no Evil
Hear no Evil
Speak no Evil ?
Answer: Rohypnol :mfr_lol:
:
Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
There's some very good jokes there. :mfr_lol:
Quote from: The Wolf on January 22, 2014, 06:11:32 PM
There's some very good jokes there. :mfr_lol:
:agree: :mfr_lol: :mfr_lol:
WHO INVENTED SEX?
A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says:
"Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies:
"We built the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts:
"We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says:
"But we built the Roman Empire".
And so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion: with a flourish of finality he says:
"We invented sex!"
The Italian then replies:
"That is true, but it was the Italians who included women...
:mfr_lol:
just found this link, lmao
so here's two for the more twisted amongst us
Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
I aske my girlfriend if she wanted sex
She said NO
I said can we play Rape
She said NO
I said that's the sprit!
Quote from: beegee on February 16, 2013, 10:57:55 PM
nobody will post this in the US forum...? :mfr_lol:
indeed.. a few off them may handcuff me :grin: :grin:
Depends which forum you are referring to and to how many martinis I've had when I see it assuming ours....but then I'm an unpredictable sort...ask my wife.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEAsBqW3A9Y