Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[Bondu]

''Only a man would attempt this!!''

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this....

Last weekend, I saw something at Larrys Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest..The occasion was our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for something a little special for my wife Julie. What I did come across was a 100,000 - volt, pocket sized Tazer....

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with little or no long term adverse affects on the assailant..allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..ideal, I thought..)

Long story short...I bought the device and brought it home..I loaded the two AAA batteries into to it and pushed the button...Nothing...I was devastated...I did learn, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface, I would get a blue arc of electricity, between the two prongs..cool!!! ( I have yet to explain to Julie, what that brown burn mark is, on the front of the microwave!)

Okay...so I was home alone...with the new toy, dying to see if it worked....

There I was..sat on my lazy-boy chair..with our cat Gracie looking on intently..(trusting little soul)..while I was reading the instructions and thinking that I really must try this thing out!!!..well on a flesh and blood target at least........!

I must admit..I did think of zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second, but dismissed it as cruel..Am I wrong?..

So....there I am..sat in a pair of short and a T-shirt..glasses on the tip of my nose, instructions in one hand, Tazer in the other..

The Instructions said:..
1. A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant..
2. A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control.
3. A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water, unable to carry out any function on his own...
4. Any burst longer than three seconds, could be very dangerous and is not advised.

So..there I was..looking at the Tazer and wondering what to do....

I'm sitting there alone...with Gracie looking up at me with her head cocked to one side, as if to say..''Don't do it stupid!!''...Hmmh..I thought otherwise..I would just give myself a one second burst!! So I touched the prongs to my naked thigh and pressed the button.............................................................

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION..WTF!!!!!

I'm pretty sure, Hulk Hogan ran into the room, picked me up (in the recliner!) then body slammed me to the floor over and over again....I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking with sweat, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position..

NOTE
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!!!..You will not be able to let go until either convulsions force the Tazer out of your grip, OR the batteries run out..(after around 18 seconds of use..so I am led to believe!!)...

So...A few minutes later, I came around..(well sort of)..and surveyed the landscape...

My bent reading glasses were fused to my head.....
The recliner was upside-down and about eight feet from where it had been!!
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching!!
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs.
I had no control over my drooling.
Apparently, I had shat myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair....

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it...

[jenros]

bondu,,,,,,,!!! ,,me an the wife are pissing ourselves ya,,,,best laugh ive had all day mate,,brill

[Winston Smith]

Oldie but goldie - I always LOL every time I read that one!!

It's a belly buster!

[Bondu]

SLEEPING

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Malvin because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Malvin and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Malvin snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

Next night was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair standing up, eyes bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Malvin shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Malvin into bed patted him on the backside and kissed him good night. Malvin sat up and watched me all night."


With age comes wisdom.

[Mogster]

  aint the the truth... Age and treachery tops youth and enthusiasm everytime... 

[slane]

                                                                  ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?.



Make sure that you get the Correct Insurance for the sex that you are having.


Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:


Sex with your wife  - Legal & General

Sex on the telephone – Direct Line

Sex with your partner – Standard Life

Sex with someone different – Go Compare

Sex with a Fat bird – More than

Sex on the back seat of a car – Sheila,s Wheels
 
Sex with a Posh bird – Privileged
 
Sex with an OAP – Saga(Sex Annually,Generally in August)
 
Sex with a Transvestite – Confused.com!

[Rusty]

My wife suggested that I get one of those penis enlargers .... so I did .... she is 21 and her name is Lucy.

My window cleaner was shouting and cursing this morning ... I thought " F**K me, he's lost his rag ".

My wife said to me this morning " You are the laziest bastard I have ever known, now pack your bags and fuck off "  I said " You pack 'em ".

My wife calls my penis "The Firework" .. not because it lights up her evening she just likes to keep it at arms length since it went off in her face.

I met a sexy woman at the lake the other day and there was an immediate spark between us .... as we lay there making love I thought " God these Tazers are well worth the money".

[Bondu]

A married couple were in bed asleep when the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone listened for a moment, then said: 'How the hell should I know, I'm not the weatherman', and hung up.

'Who was that?' the wife asked.

The husband said: 'I don't know, some bloke wanting to know if the coast was clear.'

[O.C.]

ADVENTURE BIKES ...PAH..........I'D RATHER HAVE A C90 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDOOT-T2gKo&feature=youtu.be

[Mogster]

hahahahahahahaha  that's so very funny..

[Bondu]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaB40TLQE8M

A bit older, but just as funny 

[O.C.]

hahahahahahahaha  that's so very funny..

I know its been done before in fact lots of times....but this version was just sooooooo topical/appropriate

[Mogster]

Oh yeah.... GS bashing...... can we have a topic just for this  lmao

[Rusty]

When I was young the other kids used to cover me in chocolate and spray cream at me and stick cherries on my head .... life was tough in the gateau.

If you get an E mail telling you that you can catch swine flu due to eating tins of ham .... delete it. It's spam.

Booked a table for me and the Mrs next week on her birthday .... bound to end in tears though ... she's shit at snooker.

[Bondu]

Dear John