Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[Winston Smith]

Nick Clegg has said he is very disappointed with Chris Hulnes conduct.

He told a reporter "What a fool.  As if anyone would believe a woman could drive that fast"

[Lonewolf]

The Looters Prayer

Our father,
who art in prison,
my mum knows not his name,
thy Riots come,
read it in "The Sun"
in Birmingham, as it is in London,
give us this day our Welfare bread
and forgive us our looting,
as we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into employment
but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the Facebook
the Blackberry & the Twitter,
forever and ever...
Innit











Also applicable to Bradford. 

[Winston Smith]

There's regional qualifications in Hull too!

[100milesaway]

Whilst up here in the dales we are all too old to lift anything heavier than a pot of tea, jump in and out of bed, and the only throwing we do is a tantrum, and as for games, !!!!!!!!!     in my dreams. Olympics  bah humbug, they are just a load of  .

[O.C.]

and the only throwing we do is a tantrum,

[Winston Smith]

[Winston Smith]

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!

Forget the GOLDEN RIVET

All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18.

The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor".

All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"

[100milesaway]

A ship crossing the Atlantic with a cargo of male penises, which were bound for American clinics that specialize in transplants sunk after hitting an iceburg. The salvage company, after deep discussion decided to send down fourskin divers.

[100milesaway]

What would ya do if a bird shit on yer head?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Would ya take her out again?

[O.C.]

just spilled my coffee

Chris I have unashamedly stolen your post for use elsewhere...hope it wasn't subject to copyright   

[Winston Smith]

just spilled my coffee

Chris I have unashamedly stolen your post for use elsewhere...hope it wasn't subject to copyright   

I nicked the bugger anyway!

[Rusty]

Got pulled over by The Old Bill today ... He said "Papers" I said "Scissors, I win !" and drove off .....

My new girlfriend says that I have to wait 6 months before she will suck my cock ... I told her that I fully understand and respect her decision and that I shall call her nearer the time ....

Moonpig rejected my Valentines poem today ... I mean what on earth is wrong with " Roes are straight, Violets are twisted, bend over luv your'e going to get fisted " ??

I read the Govn't warning about travelling in these snowy conditions and when you go out you should take a shovel, blanket , sleeping bag, extra clothing, scarf, gloves,24 hr supply of food ,drink, de icer torch batteries and some rock salt, safety triangle, tow rope, spare petrol can and some jump leads .... I looked a right twat getting on the bus this morning ........... 

[100milesaway]

They are always banging on about pedestrians  wearing something white at night so motorists can see you. And my mate always did, but the poor sod got run over by a snow plough last night.

[Kwikasfuki]

[Kwikasfuki]

This one cracked me up.