Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[patrick]

Seen on F'book:


In hindsight I should have posted my f/b status as " Iv'e blown the head gasket on my 1979 XR3i" rather than " Iv'e just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptops been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

[Debs]

Seen on F'book:


In hindsight I should have posted my f/b status as " Iv'e blown the head gasket on my 1979 XR3i" rather than " Iv'e just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptops been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

OMG   

[Essex Boy]

Thought the Indian lady sitting in front of me on the train this morning had died. No signs of life at all. Then I noticed the red spot on her forehead and realised she was on 'Standby'.

Bought the wife a fridge for her birthday yesterday. She was really pleased I think. She opened the door and her face lit lit up.   

[hurricane]

Patrick, that's so wrong 

Seen on F'book:


In hindsight I should have posted my f/b status as " Iv'e blown the head gasket on my 1979 XR3i" rather than " Iv'e just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptops been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

But it's so good I'm going to steal it!

Hurricane

[patrick]

Patrick, that's so wrong 

But it's so good I'm going to steal it!

Hurricane

Well i stole it so feel free!!

[Boomer]

You need to change it to 1999 Ford Excort Ghia X.
In 1979 they were still making the Mk2 Escort.
XR3i didn't happen until 1983.
Wrong on SOOOOOo many levels! 

Besides 1979 would mean the Escort is 34 years old. 

[Rusty]

About half the age of Geoff then.

[patrick]

You need to change it to 1999 Ford Excort Ghia X.
In 1979 they were still making the Mk2 Escort.
XR3i didn't happen until 1983.
Wrong on SOOOOOo many levels! 

Besides 1979 would mean the Escort is 34 years old. 

Send in the razorblades!!

[Debs]

About half the age of Geoff then.

[garfield1974]

There are just some day when I act exactly like this 

[O.C.]

Nice one 

[Rusty]

Garfileld ... that is funny.

[patrick]

again.nicked from facebook

[Richard]

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is, little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you lo...ok so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men's pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom. The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: "Is all that true, Tommy?"
"No, not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say"


Richard << running for cover 

[Richard]

In 1998, Aston Patterson was on holiday in Thailand after graduating from University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one front leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Aston... approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Aston worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face Aston, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Aston stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Aston never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twelve years later, Aston was walking through the Dudley Zoo in the UK with a group of friends. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Aston and his friends were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Aston, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at him.

Remembering the encounter in 1998, Aston could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Aston summoned up his courage, and egged on by his mates who had heard the story all those years ago he climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Aston's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.