Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[jenros]

ive just lost the money for my wifes epilepsy prescription in the bookies,,,,
she`ll have a fooking fit when she finds out

[Bondu]

http://dotsub.com/media/b5ee5ada-5b37-4b0b-9916-e0896337ec4b/e/m

[viper]

http://dotsub.com/media/b5ee5ada-5b37-4b0b-9916-e0896337ec4b/e/m

er, this is a joke thread , not a political platform,  i fail to see the humour in that

[O.C.]

I only watched the first 15 seconds or so 

There may have been a punchline at the end 

[Gonome]

Woman goes to Dr's and says "Im getting too much discharge". Dr says, "Pop your knickers off and get on the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers in to her vagina and asks, "How does that feel ? She replies "Fucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear".Sanjay, the Indian wife beater, headbutts his wife at 7.30 every night......on the dot!! Found me first grey pube today.... Normally things like that doesn't bother me..... But it was in a Greggs pastie !

[Ros]

Probably been posted before, but I just remembered this one... 

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[Lonewolf]

A bit of humour for all the Plod on here, I'm sure we can relate to some of these calls. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHGkJ63hFI8

[Debs]

A bit of humour for all the Plod on here, I'm sure we can relate to some of these calls. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHGkJ63hFI8

3:07 I haven't got any sense... No shit sherlock!!! 

[O.C.]

Its amazing just how  thick some people are and that they are prepared to waste valuable emergency time with trivial matters   

[garfield1974]

Man: "Doctor, will I live 150 years ?"
Doctor: "Do you smoke ?"
Man: "No."
Doctor: "Do you drink ?"
Man: "No."
Doctor: "Are you chasing women ?"
Man: "No."
Doctor" Are you using drugs ?"
Man "No."
Doctor: " Are you riding motorbike ?"
Man: "No."
Doctor: "So, why the f#*&% would you like to live 150 years" 

[slickmick]

doctor said i should avoid saturated fat so ive stopped making love to the wife in the shower.

[Winston Smith]

[Debs]

 

[O.C.]

 

[garfield1974]

Good one