Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[Winston Smith]

Adidas are doing a Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuit.

It's an adult size top, but you have to squeeze into a childs bottom

[pistole]

- ewwwwww

.

[Rusty]

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 100 semi automatic rifles with 10,000 rounds of ammunition, 5 tonnes of nearly pure heroin, £1,000,000 in forged notes and 5 Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi detached house behind the public library in Toxteth ...

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:

"We are all shocked; we never knew we had a library".

[Kwikasfuki]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0

[O.C.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0

bloody hell Asif that's a load of  if ever

[mecki]

 

[slane]

ya can go of people ya know 

[Lonewolf]

Asif that video is bloody brilliant. I loved the yellow suit, might try and pick one up on my travels


Certainly made me chuckle.

[100milesaway]

Eh !!! Thats about as funny as a kick in the pods.  Utter 

[Bryn]

Next door neighbour had a pair of knickers stolen off the washing line today.... she said she wasn't bothered  about the knickers, just wanted the 12 pegs back .......

[O.C.]

Next door neighbour had a pair of knickers stolen off the washing line today.... she said she wasn't bother about the knickers, just wanted the 12 pegs back .......

[Bondu]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again, saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? Then, I could live until I was around eighty... would that be okay?

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So... that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey-like tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and 'bark' at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be out on the front porch.

[viper]

[Bryn]

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said  " I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a W@nk   

[slane]

Dont shoot me , i borrowed this from another forum 



I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.