Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[O.C.]

A  cat... on a mini Bonnie replica, nice one   

[Rusty]

Husband and wife lying in bed staring at each other .....  Husband says " You remind me of the National Lottery " .... " Oh Darling that's nice ... do you think I am worth a million dollars ? " ... " No " he replies " I just like it when you roll over " !!

[Gonome]

Husband and wife lying in bed staring at each other .....  Husband says " You remind me of the National Lottery " .... " Oh Darling that's nice ... do you think I am worth a million dollars ? " ... " No " he replies " I just like it when you roll over " !!

[Bondu]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympic Stadium but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish , Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland", he says, "Fencing"

[pistole]

.

Oooi  !!

.

[Debs]

Love this 

[Gonome]

Brilliant! 

[O.C.]

That's brill Debs   

BTW I just stole it     

[Rusty]

Girl approaches bloke at the bar ... "Hello Handsome .. what's your name ?" ... "Sledge" he replies ... "Ooohh" she giggles ... " Is that because you are strong and sleek looking ?" ... "No" he says " It's because I always get pulled by dogs" .....

I was pretty excited when my girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal ... Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best mate.

Essex girl in bed with his girlfriend " How dare you call me a slapper ! " she says ... " Get out and take all your mates with you ".

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.

My wife and I were laying in bed this morning when she turned to me and said " I think the romance in this marriage is finished ". I wish she wouldn't talk to me whilst I'm having a wank.

I bought a new perfume for my wife last week called Chloroform... but she doesn't like it ... says it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore bum.

[Winston Smith]

Annoyed the wife last night.

All I was doing was pulling my boxers off and she kicked off shouting at me:

"I wish you wouldn't do that to the dogs"

[O.C.]

It took a few moments Chris, but eventually the penny dropped   

[Ros]

  nice one Debs. Consider that stolen by me too :)

[Bondu]

Wives don't forget old boyfriends!


Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor living it large - breakdancing,
moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still fecking celebrating!"

[Gonome]

An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever)
. . .."When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

[Lonewolf]

Died of natural causes  I like that.