Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[2kwacks]

mick and paddy going on holiday to spain. just as the plane get's airborne, the pilot speaks to the passengers via the tannoy. welcome aboard and here is some flight information. we will be travelling at a speed of 500 mp.h at a altitude of 35,000 feet and will land at your destination in 2 hrs 30 mins. paddy says to mick, well mick in 2hrs 30 mins we will be in spain and we can drink our selves silly! 30 mins later the pilot says, sorry ladies and gentlemen we seem to lost with one of our 4 engines so will be 30 mins late, paddy says to mick, don't worry the bars in spain are open till late. the pilot then says, sorry we have now lost our second engine, paddy says to mick don't worry the bars are open very late. the pilot says, sorry we have now lost our 3rd engine, paddy say to mick don't worry the bars in spain are open very very late. the pilot says I regret to tell you, we have now lost our 4th and final engine. mick says to paddy it doesn't matter if the bars are open all dam night now, it looks like we will be up here all night ;D

[Mogster]

Woof!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

[rippers]

OK now we are all getting ready for the festive season I thought it was time to get you started in the right spirit, so laugh on . . . . My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
* The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
* I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least, I presume she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse.
* My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
* Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
* The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
* A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quuizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
* I went to the cemetery yesterday to put some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , `These guys have lost the plot!'
* My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. `Blow this,' I thought. `I can get one cheaper off the web.'
* Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
* I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
* I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
* I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, `That guy's heading for a breakdown.'

[aldav]

http://youtu.be/5DBoCObdnOY

[Kwikasfuki]

FAIL


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbNl3J8HXw4&feature=player_embedded

[Lonewolf]

Did you see the teeth on that little ba**ard?  :o

[Rusty]

Just getting ready for Christmas so a bit of housecleaning was in order, but no time so I hired an Eastern European cleaner to hoover the house. It took her 4 hours. Turned out she was a Slovak.

Since that snow came down last week all my wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I shall have to let her in.

My neighbour got nicked this morning and charged with murder for attacking her husband with a pad of sandpaper .... she only meant to rough him up.

After a night of drink drugs and wild sex my mate woke up in bed to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Winston Smith]

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding

on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73  just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and  proof of insurance.

The  lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)

to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask  if

she had a weapon in her possession at this time.




She responded that she indeed had a .45  automatic in her glove  box.

Something---body  language, or the way she said it---made me want

to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having

a  9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more

time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have

just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what

was she so afraid of.




She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f**king thing!"


   


   
   Fo

[Lonewolf]

Innuendos you can get away with saying only at Christmas....



1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 

[100milesaway]

My mate has just phoned and offered me 8 legs of venison for £40 is that to deer?

[100milesaway]

Mr Wolf I dont know if you support your local football team but it's just been on sky that they have signed two chinese players, !!!!!!! we won once    and      how long since.      ::)

[Kwikasfuki]

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve! ...

[2kwacks]

randy monkeys!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snL7nit9x_U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-U4B_K9ZBQ

[Mogster]

This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for gods sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last bloody people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic  morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Subject

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN SODDING PAKISTAN!

[mecki]

And he is bloody right! >:(