Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[Essex Boy]

More jokes please .....!

[viper]

dont know about jokes but just got back from sainsburys after being scammed by some hungarians.   These two hungarian girls approached me asking for a lift to the train station with their shopping, as they were a bit pretty i agreed and one of them got in the back and one sat in the front with me. As we were driving along the girl in the front started to distract me , by undoing my flies and giving me oral sex, as this was happening the girl in the back stole my wallet out of my jacket which id left on the back seat, luckily there was only £10 in it
Im sorry to say that is the third time this week they have scammed me and maybe if i can find some more wallets it may happen again in the future.

[O.C.]

 

[Winston Smith]

I am still pissing myself laughing at tbhis!

Lifted from another forum!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt?tag=5336121781-21#R231U4ZG0YDNHD?tag=motorcy-21

[routemaster]

Cracking review 

[Winston Smith]

I just love the last line in brackets - Still given a 5!

[Rusty]

Brilliant !

[O.C.]

very very good....

[Rusty]

A woman walks up to a bloke at the swimming pool who is wearing blue trunks and she says ... " Do you know your eyes match your trunks ? " He replies " Why are my eyes bulging ? "

I told my wife that older men like me are like fine wines ... they get better with age ..... the next day she locked me in the cellar.

"Waiter ! This coffee tastes like mud " .... " Yes Sir it's fresh ground ".............

[Rusty]

Why did the Mushroom go to the party ?

Cos he was a Fungi  ( My daughter just told me that one .. brilliant ! )

[Winston Smith]

The wife's sister knoked me out yesterday.

I was so angry.

I mean, what sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers?

[O.C.]

[Puns for those with higher IQ's


A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done./b]

[barnyardsavage]

two shopfitters are doing a refurb on a shop in a busy street ,every 5 mins people keep stopping them working as they are walking bye asking oh what are they going to sell here then.one of the fitters gets anoyed and says to a little old lady who asks next, arseholes love they are going to sell arseholes. the old lady replies looks like they will do a roaring trade then,theres only two left and she then walks on

[Winston Smith]

What's the difference between a real life lesbian and the ones in porno movies?





































About 12 stone

[viper]

I like the "Does the name Pavlov ring a bell"