What the Haynes manuals really mean....

[alibx11]

Came across this while searching through some old files on my PC and thought it might amuse some of you......

Following is the translation of Haynes Manual Terminology into layman's language....

Haynes Manual: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes Manual: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes Manual: Rotate anti-clockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips the beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes Manual: As described in chapter 7.....
Translation: That'll teach you to not read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of the gearbox.

Haynes Manual: Pry....
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into.....

Haynes Manual: Undo....
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size)....

Haynes Manual: Retain tiny spring......
Translation: "Jeez, what the **** was that? It nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes Manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK, that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part...

Haynes Manual: Lightly.....
Translation: Start off lightly and build up until the veins on your forehead are throbbing and then recheck the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes Manual: Weekly checks....
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes Manual: Routine maintenance.....
Translation: If it isn't broken it's about to be!

Haynes Manual: One-spanner rating.
Translation: Your mum could do this.... so how did you muck it up?

Haynes Manual: Two-spanner rating.
Translation: Now you think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the London underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes Manual: Four-spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this, aren't you, you mug?

Haynes Manual: Five-spanner rating.
Translation: Ok --- but don't expect to ride it afterwards.

Haynes Manual: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this....
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes Manual: Compress....
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner, whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes Manual: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes Manual: Carefully......
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.....

Haynes Manual: Retaining nut.....
Translation: Yes that it, the big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes Manual: get an assistant....
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of the wife....

Haynes Manual: Refitting is a reverse sequence of removal...
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes Manual: Prise away plastic plugs...
Translation: Snap off.....

Haynes Manual: Use a suitable drift.....
Translation: The biggest nail in your toolbox isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes Manual: Everyday toolkit...
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC card and mobile phone handy.

Haynes Manual: Apply moderate heat.....
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and "Huffing" isn't moderate heat.....

Haynes Manual: Index.
Translation: List of things in the book except the thing you want to do!


Remember to take these literally, but as always , don't be put off doing it as that is half the fun.

[Lonewolf]

Some of those are so close to home its frightening! 

[Charlie747]

 

[Ant]

Very good