Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[BigAlan]

A hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

[Essex Boy]

Ah've gotta say I ain't bleedin appy with the last posting. Wot is it, some sorta fackin joke, or sumpink ?   

Essex Boy.

[Lonewolf]

Big Al, absolutely priceless

[BigAlan]

Big Al, absolutely priceless

I am to please.

Alan

[Boomer]

I live about 1 mile from Basildon and i would like to complain about this post.
The £30 damage estimate is way over the top. £5 would cover it. 

[Lonewolf]

I live about 1 mile from Basildon and i would like to complain about this post.
The £30 damage estimate is way over the top. £5 would cover it. 

Boomer, your complaint has been carefully considered and discussed and it has been upheld, Big Al you ought to be ashamed of yourself for exaggerating a story like that. 

[tommytool]

My question is whether or not the Duke pub in Wickford was affected? The locals were seen staggering around aimlessly clearly suffering the effects of "aftershock"!

Incidentally - that is one dodgy pub if your ever passing through - more sub-culture in there than in Baldricks ears!  ( I'm joking of course - or am I  )

[Boomer]

I drive past The Duke most days but have never been in there.
Looks dodgy enough and not far from the local Police station so probably full of Coppers too.

[Silverback]

I drive past The Duke most days but have never been in there.
Looks dodgy enough and not far from the local Police station so probably full of Coppers too.

I used to work Basildon and Pitsea, does anyone know if Pitsea was affected??  If there was £5 of damage caused across Basildon, flattening Pitsea could take the cost of the damage to very nearly 6....

Doubt you'll find many coppers in The Duke, other than for the fights of course

[Debs]

 

[Lonewolf]

  Debs, very good.

[Boomer]

I used to work Basildon and Pitsea, does anyone know if Pitsea was affected??  If there was £5 of damage caused across Basildon, flattening Pitsea could take the cost of the damage to very nearly 6....

Pitsea,.... the most appropriately named place in the UK.
It's a pit,.... by the sea (well, by the muddier parts of the Thames Estuary).
Famous for its landfill site and A13 traffic jams.
I used to work in the office above the market back in the early noughties. <shudder>

[Gonome]

Nationalities: I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner; took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
An Irishman has been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. In his defence he said "To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit". 2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine . Both are in hospital one's in a korma.The other's got a dodgy tikka!
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle-aged couple from Weymouth .

Headlines:
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots....Your one year Manufacturer's Warranty runs out soon.

Parenting:
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

On Women: A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly; pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.  After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

[BigAlan]

Wayne Rooney has named his new son Klay, well he wanted PlayDough but could not spell it.

Alan

[O.C.]

THE FINANCIAL CRISIS EXPLAINED    :mfr_lol:

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