Jokes, jokes & more jokes!! - Warning - Not safe for work!

[Lonewolf]

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a E100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the E100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the E100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the E100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the E100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the E100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the E100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the E100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.   ;D

[Kwikasfuki]

Lol. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

[2kwacks]

Mr wolf. seeing that you added a ;D this could be classed as a joke, this our new joke column/topic then ;)

[Lonewolf]

Mr wolf. seeing that you added a ;D this could be classed as a joke, this our new joke column/topic then ;)

No reason why not....come on let's see what you've got.  ;D

[2kwacks]

ok" suppose someone need's to start the ball rolling!!!!

paddy walks into a building site and asked the boss for a job. the boss say's what's your trade, paddy replies I'am a bricky. ok the boss say's you can start in the morning. paddy arrive's for work the next day in a range rover, the 2nd day he arrive's in a porsche, 3rd day he arrive's in a jag, 4th day he arrive's in a bently convertible. by now the boss as seen enough, and summon's paddy to his office and say's are you taking the piss! paddy replies no boss. well four day's now you have arrived to work in very expensive cars unless you can come with a explanation how you come about having those cars, your sacked. well boss, I can see into the future but have got a bad cambling problem and loose it the next day. I can prove this to you, by the weekend you will have a ruptured. no chance of that paddy I don't lift anything, just sit in my office all day doing sod all! ok boss, then bet me your aston martin for my days wage that you don't! ok the boss replied the bet is on, see you at the end of the week. paddy returns to the office at the end of the week and the boss say's well paddy you have lost today's pay, because I don't have a ruptured. paddy say's I will need to check that you don't. so the boss drop's his trousers and paddy get's is trowel out, and gentle place's his trowel underneath his testicals slightly lifting them up. well the boss say's as you can see I don't not have a ruptured, with that the boss look's around and all his other workers are looking through the window's, boss say's what's going on here then! paddy replies you bet me that you would not have a ruptured by the end of the week, but I betted all your worker's £100 each, that I would have your ball's on a trowel by the end of the week!

[Lonewolf]

Hmm, not bad. Any more?

[2kwacks]

Hmm, not bad. Any more?

well that was the "cleanest" reasonable funny "after a few pint's" joke ;D I could think off. do know some pearler's! but don't want to get banned from the forum. at least, not before the cotswolds meet ;)

[100milesaway]

A bloke  going into the cinema with his wife and spots a roll of £20 notes lying on the floor, so he has a quick look round  theres nobody about so he picks up the money and says to his wife "hide it quick", she says" I haven't got a bag" so she puts the money inside her knickers. When they get home she is searching inside her underclothes for the money and cant find it, then tells her husband that it must have been the chap sat next to her in the cinema that had taken the money, the irate husband says "surely you must have felt something" the wife says "well yes but I didn't think he was a thief". ;D

[2kwacks]

bloke at home laying on his couch. wife walks in, he say's" where the hell have you been then! best hurry and get my tea made "women" or there will be hell to pay, she's replies have been to see the doctor. Ho! yea, he replied. "yes I have" and he said I have got the tit's of a 18 year old and the arse of a 20 year old. "Oh Yeah" he replied, what did he say about your 50 year old c--t then! "well, she replied, he never mentiond you!!!

[Kwikasfuki]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

[2kwacks]

paddy the sailor as just been away at sea for 8 month's solid. and just docked at port. he say's to a local bloke, hey" mate! where can I go for a dam good time and have some female fun. the guy replies try the local broffel, for £50.00 you can get a "sixty-niner" paddy being a bit wet behind the ear's, say's what a "sixty-niner" the guy say's don't worry the girl will explain. paddy walk's into the broffel and say's I would like a "sixty-niner" and slam's a £50 note on the desk, he is told to go into this room and tell the girl you have paid for a "sixty-niner" which he dose! paddy says to the girl I don't know what a "sixty-niner" is. she say's we both get naked and I lay on top of you, then where in "top to tail" postition and the rest will come natural. just as paddy getting the hang of it, the girl let's one rip. bloody hell he's say's that stinks! girl say's sorry" but I did had a "vindaloo" last night. so paddy carries on. few minutes later she let's another ripper off! paddy say's my god" that's stink's to high heaven. then say's have had enough" am off! can't be putting up with another "sixty-seven" of them!!

[jenros]

A pakistani man has been killed in a sky diving accident,
a spokesman for the BNP sky diving school said-" we have no idea why his snorkel n flippers didnt open"! ;)

[Lonewolf]

Ok, maybe this isn't a joke but it's funny and very true. Sent to me by a member on here...they know who they are.  (Shame on them)!! ;) ;)


Lady Police Officers From Around The World

China



Hong Kong




India




Indonesia




Japan




Malaysia





North Korea




Pakistan





Phillippines





Singapore





South Korea




Taiwan





Vietnam





Last but not least......wait for it..... ;)









United States of America, Memphis, TN

[jenros]

 :D, makes you wonder how the hell are they supposed to be actually "fit" for work?????????,- if you was gonna do a robbery and ole twedle dumd n tweldle dee turned up youd be laughing!!! lol

[Lonewolf]

I'd willingly give myself up to the beautiful lady Officer from Singapore.  ;)